


Rewriting Snape

by Shadowy_Dumbo_Octopus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Character Rewrite, Character Study, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-11-03 16:40:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17881409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowy_Dumbo_Octopus/pseuds/Shadowy_Dumbo_Octopus
Summary: I woke up at 4am thinking that Snape could've been one of my favourite characters if JKR hadn't written him like she did.It's now 5am and this is how I'd write him, from the POV of an insomniac Ravenclaw.I hope that this qualifies as fanfiction, and that I can go back to sleep after this.





	Rewriting Snape

Hi, my name is Olivia Reed - I'm a Ravenclaw. You probably don't know me because the series is so focused on the Potter dude, but here I am, and here's what I have to say.

Severus Snape is, to put it as plainly as possible, a bastard.

He's the biggest bastard in the entire school, surpassing even Filch and that Malfoy fucker.

But why, you ask, if he's arguably the best potions teacher in the history of Hogwarts? 

Exactly that's why.

~~Merlin, I'm so tired.~~

He's the best at teaching, but the worst at  _ how _ he teaches if that makes sense. I don't know if it does; it's 4am and I'm staying up to finish an essay about the properties of mandrake roots. Did you know that they vary depending on the concentration, ripeness, the state they're in (fresh, dried, just the juice etc.)? Fascinating stuff, really. 

Oops, I got off tangent. Anyways, Snape is the strictest bitch in the entire school; I remember switching to him from Mrs Wormwood in fifth year and nearly getting a panic attack when what she had graded with an EE he gave a nice, big T.

Fucker.

He doesn't cut slack to anyone, not even his own House. Heck, I feel really bad for Slyths because he's even worse with them than with the other houses; they're his charge, his responsibility, and he's gonna make them the best in this fucking subject or die trying. 

Wish he'd fucking die already, because my girlfriend is a Slyth and she's a lost cause at potions.

When (or if) you get past that baptism by fire and start scoring higher in his classes, he does tone down _a little_ on treating you like shit and sometimes even engages in discussions about different aspects of the course. Say what you want, but he's really passionate about the subject, and I've learned more from him in three months than from Mrs Wormwood in four years.

(Who is Mrs Wormwood, you ask? She's another potions teacher. What, you thought there was only one in the whole school? Nah, Potter is just an unobservant dumbass who didn't think to ask to be transferred to a different class.)

Anyways, I'm actually beginning to warm up to the bastard bat even though my grades are far from ideal. He's tough, he's mean, but he does push all the House values at his students.

A Griffindor being too brash and cocky? He'll humble them right down and teach them to think what they're doing first so that the potion doesn't blow up in their face.

A Hufflepuff slacking off? He'll make them work their ass off and actually reward their efforts, though sometimes the reward is just a nod and not having your house points deducted.

A Slytherin having a panic attack because they're not good enough? Okay, I'm gonna say that he's terrible at comforting people, but he'll remind them of their ambition, make them work on their stuff again and again until they stop failing, until they rise past their weakness and strive for more, more, more.

As for the Ravenclaws… well, the essay I'm working on isn't even homework; we had a lesson about mandrakes yesterday and I haven't left the library since my classes ended because shit’s just so fascinating.  Plus, I hope that this'll push my grade up to an EE, because I've literally exceeded the expectations of the course by writing an extra essay.

There's this muggleborn in my class, Rick Something-or-other, who claims that Snape looks like he's secretly a necromancer, what with the goth aesthetic and spooky shit all around his classroom and office: dried herbs and animal parts, skulls, jars filled with fuck knows what floating, preserved, in them… if he created a zombie in his next class, half of us would just shrug and take notes in case it was on the exam.

BTW, he barely uses textbooks and just gives out his own notes. I compared them to my last year's textbook and holy shit. He's on, like, some other level because the official shit looks like elementary school shit next to his shit.

I really need to go to bed.

Fun fact: Snape used to work for Voldemort… oh shush, nobody really calls him He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named or some shit except for some pearl-clutching old people who know nothing about him aside from a rumour or two. You don't give Hitler a stupid nickname either, do you? Exactly. 

Yeah, ol’ Snappy used to be a Death Vorer back in the day, but bailed when Voldy began to actually kill people. I don't really know much about his reasons - I don't listen to rumours - but I think he didn't even join him properly; he was a spy or some shit because one day he went off tangent to basically save my entire ass before a history of magic test by roasting the poor idiot and his followers like a fucking dragon. Straight up obliterated Voldy and Co, pointing out all the flaws in their plans and logic, and how genocide wouldn't actually change anything in the long run. I wish he told us what would so that I'd have proof that he's secretly plotting world domination.

Mr Lupin, my DADA teacher (tho I wouldn't mind calling him DADDY if you know what I mean) had told me once that they were in the same year together, Snape and him. The dude was a loner, mostly, preferring to keep his hooked nose stuck in a book or cauldron instead of socialising. (Big mood here, Snappy.) I think he was bullied because of it, but then he apparently created this spell we're not allowed to learn because it works like cutting people with a sword, and he wasn't bullied anymore. (I'm an absolute S*L*U*T for swords so I'd kill a man to get my hands on that shit.) He was also apparently friends with Potter’s mom at one point, but they got into a major argument about Snape being a major dickhead and creep and slashing someone for calling her the m slur because she was a muggleborn. I mean, "get yourself a friend who'd do that for you" aside, he did sound like an antisocial creep, and the rumour that he poisoned his abusive father didn't exactly do him any favours.

Also, he once told us that the only love in his life is for potions, so motherfucking aroace solidarity, am I right? YOOOOOO, he wears black, and the Slytherin house colours are green and silver! Dude's a walking aro flag! #illuminaticonfirmed. 

Personally, I admire the fuck out of him even though he's a complete piece of shit. Like, his methods of dealing with bullies were questionable, yeah, but who wouldn't poison an abusive parent? Big props for that, like.

And look, he might be a piece of shit, but he's not a bully. In fact, any bullying in his class ends as soon as he lies his murky green eyes on it (I tend to say that they're the colour of a swamp). Like, I'm not sure if Potter has told you about that, but once some Slyth had made a Griff’s teeth grow really long. You know what Snape did? He approached the girl, said “No, this won't do,” snapped his fucking fingers and the hex went back on the Slyth. He then said “see me after class” and returned to teaching. (WANDLESS FUCKING MAGIC Y'ALL!) The Slyth walked around with long-ass teeth for the next week because nobody could dispel it, not even the Headmaster. I don't know how powerful Snape really is, how much of it he hides, and why he even bothers with teaching when he could probably take over the world if he wanted to, but one thing's for sure:

It's now 5am and I'm about to fall asleep in a puddle of ink and ruined parchment, so I'm gonna cut this short and head to bed. I'll finish the mandrake essay once I wake up.

Oh, one last thing: in all his years of teaching, Snape apparently has never worn anything that wasn't black or at least very, very dark grey. We have a theory that he's secretly Batman. It'd certainly explain how he knows everyfuckingthing about you to the point of you growing paranoid. Fucking bastard. 

Goodnight, pal, and good luck on tomorrow's (today's? Technically???) charms test. 

**Author's Note:**

> Edit: I've gotten into the OK KO fandom and you know what, fic invalid. Just make Snape into Prof. Venomous and I'll be a happy octopus. That's EXACTLY what I was aiming for.


End file.
